Wonder

A letter to my foster son 

You came into this world before you were expected, born early and weighing just a few pounds.  You spent the first weeks of your life in a NICU with care provided by a medical team. As a substance exposed newborn, you faced obstacles other preemies do not in your earliest days.

From the NICU, you entered state custody and were put into "the system." A family member was able to be with you a few months, but the demands were too much - a new home was needed for you.

When you were 6 months old, DCF began to search for another provider, making calls to foster parents. One of those calls was to us. We spoke with a social worker who explained your case and asked if we were open to a placement. You arrived at our door the next afternoon.

Your time with us has gone by so fast and caused me to reflect on our journey together. As I was driving home last night, the radio played a song by Zach Williams and Dolly Parton. It was one I heard before, but for some reason, the lyrics struck me differently.

"In the waiting, in the searching, In the healing and the hurting, Like a blessing buried in the broken pieces, Every minute, every moment, Where you've been and where you're going, Even when you didn't know it or couldn't see it, there was us."

The words spoke to me about your story and our role within it. After a year, the time has come for us to say goodbye. While our hearts may be breaking on the inside, we are smiling for you on the outside. For it is with great hope that the next chapter of your life now begins and you are reunified with family. It has been the blessing of a lifetime to have you with us, all the time knowing we would part one day.

Your smile will remain forever imprinted on my heart as you have reminded me of my purpose in this life.  I will miss our walks together exploring many trails. While there was only one set of footprints we made as I carried you, the look in your eyes staring back at me was all I needed to reach new summits together. 

In preparing for this day, I sought respite at the coast, there’s something about the ocean waves to feed my soul. My time there brought to mind Brene Brown's book Daring Greatly and a speech called The Man in the Arena. For some reason, the text drove me to think about what it means to be a warrior -  I actually looked up the definition.

You see, a warrior is often thought of as a brave or experienced soldier or fighter, this is in fact, the textbook definition of the word. More broadly defined though, it means a person engaged in some struggle; a person who has shown great vigor or courage. 

I recognize these definitions and offer an additional view: one who raises the most hearts.  Among my all time favorite movies is Wonder, a story about a young boy that stirs many emotions for me.  In the final scene, Augie Pullman, the lead character, is awarded the Henry Ward Beecher medal, with the school headmaster citing his words:

“Greatness lies not in being strong, but in the right using of strength. He or she is the greatest whose strength carries up the most hearts, by the attraction of his own.”

For the past year, I observed this inner strength you possess and watched in awe as complete strangers reacted to your presence.  In every interaction, I could see how you touched their hearts, simply by being you – your most authentic self. 

Glennon Doyle states, “we are all born to be warriors: strong, powerful, and brave; able to confront the pain and claim the love that exists for us all.”  Deep down, we all want to be loved, it's at the core of being human. And while we strive to protect our hearts, sometimes they break. With time, we find the strength to rise up, as Andra Day reminds us: 

"And we'll rise up, rise like the waves. And we'll rise up in spite of the ache. We'll rise up and do it a thousand times again. For you."

I've been asked how can I love a child knowing they are going to leave one day. I guess I hadn’t thought about it because you see, my love doesn’t stop when the child leaves because it has no end. My love is not bound by time and distance, for that child remains on my mind and in my heart every single day. 

In closing, I'll leave you with words from a favorite musical artist. This phrase in Pink's latest song All I Know So Far struck me and serves as a reminder of how to live. This world will feel broken at times and leave you feeling down, when it does, don't let it stop you. 

"And when the storm's out, you run in the rain, put your sword down, dive right into the pain, stay unfiltered and loud, you'll be proud of that skin full of scars, That's all I know so far."

If the scars on my heart mean yours was protected this past year so it could go grow stronger, it was worth the pain I now feel watching you go. And know I would do it all over again - anytime, anyplace anywhere - for you. Always and forever. 

My beautiful boy, thank you for the reminder to be brave and show courage - you certainly raised many hearts. Wherever you go in this life, know I will carry you with me and be cheering you on. While you may not remember me, I will never forget you. Please don’t ever stop being who you are, for this world needs your light.

You are a wonder.