You Will Be Found

I’ve heard many versions of the song “You Will be Found” (see links at bottom) from the Broadway hit musical Dear Evan Hansen. Within the context of the show, the song has a certain meaning, but it wasn’t until recently when I heard it performed in a different venue that it took on a whole new meaning for me.

As a I was driving our foster daughter to camp, this song came on the radio station K-Love performed by Christian artists Natalie Grant and Corey Asbury. The lyrics always strike me and give me pause, stirring me to think about the message behind them. And so it was on this summer day the beauty of this song brought me to reflect on it in an entirely different way.

Perhaps that is the power of music, that two people can hear the same song, and it can have a completely different meaning to each of them. Or in this case, the same person can hear the same song in a different context and come to understand it from a new perspective.

As I listened to the words that morning, it felt like the artists were delivering a message about our foster daughter who has been with us more than a year. For her, that time represents the longest period she has ever lived continuously in one place. At 5 years old, she has been in many homes and found herself moved to several locations through no fault of her own.

For this child in foster care, I imagine questions she struggles with are a captured in the opening verse of the song:

Have you ever felt like nobody was there?
Have you ever felt forgotten in the middle of nowhere?
Have you ever felt like you could disappear?
Like you could fall, and no one would hear?

There are five primary reasons a child is removed and placed in foster care - her case involves four of them. And with those reasons comes complex trauma, a condition resulting from exposure to multiple, severe traumatic events that have long-term effects. On the widely used ACEs scale for assessing trauma, the max score is 10 - and a score of 3 is considered at "high health risk" - she is a 7.

While those numbers may sound scary, I can tell you this child is one of the strongest, bravest and most fun-loving kids you’ll ever meet. She has a smile that lights up the room and a bigger-than-life personality that fills our hearts with great joy. I share this with you to provide some context for why the song I mentioned at the beginning resonates with me so much.

You see, the message in “You Will be Found” is about feeling lost and like no one sees you or recognizes your pain. As a foster parent, I see this feeling emerge in this little girl at times - it manifests in a number of ways, and when that occurs, we do our best to remind her we are here and she is safe. A long embrace, holding her in our arms, wrapping ourselves around her are visible ways we reinforce this when needed.

I’ve seen firsthand the dysregulation that occurs in her and how upset, confused and frustrated she becomes when she can’t find the words to express herself. Her feelings will present in other ways such as tantrums, running away, throwing herself on the floor. As trauma-informed parents who have taken many hours of classes about childhood traumatic experiences, we know there are events that trigger her and bring that pain she holds to the surface.

And it is in those moments I try to remind her in simple ways a 5-year old can understand that the pain she holds wasn’t meant for her to carry. When it feels like too much to bear, I will take it. I will show up, lay on the floor, listen and hold her in my arms until she is calm. In a way, I’m trying to express “you will be found” and that I see her, much like the lyrics in the song express:

Even when the dark comes crashing through
When you need a friend to carry you
And when you're broken on the ground

Experience has taught me that in this life, each of us will experience darkness – hardship, loss, grief – and at times, we will find it difficult to see light. Again, the song reminds us:

There's a place where we don't have to feel unknown
And every time that you call out
You're a little less alone
If you only say the word
From across the silence your voice is heard

Such powerful words that hold a special meaning for me as a foster parent. While I don’t know where this path leads with her, I do know we will walk it together. And if she should fall down along the way, I will remind her …

You are not alone, you are not alone.

'Cause when you don't feel strong enough to stand
You can reach, reach out your hand
And let the sun come streaming in
'Cause you'll reach up and you'll rise again
Lift your head and look around

Beautiful girl, when the darkness comes crashing in, reach out and we will lift you up again …

You will be found.